Kung Fu Humor: Kung Fu Hillbilly

Yes, I'm still alive! Enjoy a scene from "Diemon Dave's Ninja School" training video.

"Don't go ninjain' nobody that don't need ninjain'..."

Kung Fu Humor: How NOT to Audition!

I'm pretty sure all of these (except the guy that back-flips onto his face!) are staged, but it's still pretty funny! Enjoy "The Worst Kung Fu Movie Auditons EVER!!"

What kind of wood is this??!?"

Some wonderfully horrible (and cheap!) ninja flicks from splice-n-dice master Godfrey Ho!

New DVD Releases: 3/16/10

Ok, some old-school and some new-school releases are hitting the shelves today!

First for the old-school, coming from Code Red, we have a double feature of "Challenge the Dragon" (1973 - AKA The Way of the Tiger) and "The Needle Avenger" which seems to be "Dragons vs. Needles of Death" (1976 - AKA Dragon, Tiger And Phoenix). Neither title has been officially confirmed yet. According to the cover art, it says "Master Lee's Drunkard Cinema Vol. 1" which looks like this may be the beginning of a series of old school kung-fu releases from Code Red. That's a good thing in my book! Bring it on!

And for the new-school action, being released on DVD and Blu-Ray today we have "Ninja Assassin" (2009). Korean actor Rain makes his first Hollywood production appearance in this high impact modern day take on the much loved 1980's ninja flick genre. Rain takes on the role of Raizo, a ninja who teams up with an investigator and turns his back on his former ninja clan. He sets out to put an end to the ruthless violence and killings the clan is responsible for, which leads to a confrontation with his former master. Everyone's favorite 80's ninja Sho Kosugi also stars as the evil clan leader Ozunu!

"Ninja Assassin" Trailer...

"Amita Fo..."

Kung Fu Humor: Imaginary Ninjas

Well, I finally got an email pertaining to my pre-order for "Five Element Ninjas" and it wasn't good news. Apparently it's delayed AGAIN. No announcement on when it will be available yet. I keep hearing February 23rd, but that's not officially confirmed. Oh well, I've been waiting this long...

Anyway, to stay on the recent ninja theme, I happened to run across this video that cheered me up. This guy's got some bad-ass moves, huh? Enjoy!

"So who are you going to kill next, Mr. Ninja?"
"My friend, a ninja doesn't kill. He eliminates and only for defensive purposes."

New DVD Release: Five Element Ninjas (1982)

As you've probably noticed, I've had ninjas on the brain recently. It's probably subconsciously due to the fact that today marks the long awaited release of "Five Element Ninjas" (Chinese Super Ninja) from Media Blasters/Tokyo Shock. This is one of the bloodiest, most violent kung fu epics ever. Many Fu fans have been waiting for this, as our bootleg VHS and DVDs can't take much more! I'm hoping it actually shows up on shelves today. I've had it pre-ordered for a long time and am still waiting for a shipment notification. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Original trailer


"Loss of a fight means loss of one's life to a Samurai..."

Review: Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

Well, posting the trailer for "Ninja Destroyer" really got me craving some hardcore ninja action. So... what did I need to satisfy that craving? Nope, not even a Snickers® could handle that. I had to go for the throat, pull out the big guns, reach for the pinnacle of ninja films.... REVENGE OF THE NINJA! This was the movie that we watched many times over many summers, and made us want to become ninjas ourselves. In fact, it was our training film! So how did it stand up to the test of time? Let's find out...

The story begins in Tokyo, with a happy Japanese family strolling through their garden, feeding the koi fish, and admiring a new baby boy. Out of the shadows appears a gang of ninjas and they just start tearin' shit up. A man takes 5 blades to the back, a woman gets her throat slit, and a young boy takes a BRUTAL shuriken to the face. SWEET! The young mother escapes long enough to hide her newborn baby in the bushes, and promptly runs back and gets skewered by an arrow. The ninjas hear someone coming and disappear back into the shadows. Along comes Cho (Shô Kosugi) and his American friend Braden. Braden is trying to talk Cho into coming to America to run some art galleries specializing in Japanese Dolls. They happen upon the scene of NINJA DESTRUCTION, and back out come the ninjas. Cho and Braden make short work of them. We find out that Cho's wife and son were among those sliced up by the ninjas, and the baby hidden in the bushes is Cho's youngest son Kane. Now that there's nothing left in Tokyo, Cho decides to take his mother and Kane to the States to start a new life....

So... jump ahead six years. Cho is in the States and he's given up fighting. He's sealed his sword forever. He's opening up a Japanese doll gallery for Braden.... Well it turns out, unbeknownst to Cho, the gallery is a front for Braden's heroin smuggling operation. The first shipment of heroin is for Chifano, the local mafia boss, and he ain't paying. Braden's pissed and we also find out... he's a NINJA (who wears a bad-ass silver mask)! He starts knocking off Chifano's thugs one by one. Chifano calls Braden and says he has his money, and they agree to meet at the art gallery in three hours. In an attempt to double cross Braden, Chifano sends out some thugs (including a Native American named "Chief," complete with tomahawks..) to steal the heroin filled dolls from Cho's gallery. Cho happens to walk into the gallery during the robbery and confronts the thugs, and then gets dragged around town hanging off the back of their Dodge van. After the dolls are already gone, Braden sneaks into the gallery in his ninja gear hoping to finish Chifano, and realizes he's been duped. Cho's mother sees Braden, they fight, and he kills her. Kane also sees Braden when he unmasks. Braden chases Kane out onto the rooftop and Kane manages to escape from the evil ninja. Meanwhile Cho returns to the gallery bruised and bloodied and finds his dead mother. Next, trying to get a lead on who robbed the gallery, Cho and his cop friend get into a fight with the Village People at the local playground. (Check out the gay cowboy!) After takin' care of business there, Cho goes back to the gallery and finds out Kane has been kidnapped. Time to unseal the sword! Braden heads off to put an end to Chifano, and Cho heads off to put an end to Braden! Braden infiltrates Chifano's headquarters, and this leads to the climactic battle of Cho vs Braden on top of the building!

So how does it stand up to the test of time? It's even better now! Aside from the awesome ninja ass-kicking and some pretty good gore, this movie is so bad it's good, which is something you don't notice when you're 10 years old and watching it. It's got amazingly bad acting, unintentionally funny dialog, and hilariously horrible characters. I can't recommend this one enough, it's a must see. And I still want to be a ninja!

LINES TO LISTEN FOR

"If you want to work out, you forgot your pants."
"What the fuck is this, Halloween? Get outta here!"
"You guys celebrate downtown every time one of us gets the clap!"
"Only a NEENJA can stop a NEENJA!"
"Hey look! Superman!"
"Son of a bitch ninja!"

RATING:

5 out of 5 Venoms

Final battle of "Revenge of the Ninja"



"400 years of training in the art of sudden death... unleashed on 20th century America..."

Trailer - Ninja Destroyer

What we have here is a trailer for the 1986 Godfrey Ho splice & dice "Ninja Destroyer." Basically what Ho would do was film a few scenes of some weird dudes dressed in ninja outfits (usually sporting headbands that say "NINJA," in case we got them confused with the people NOT in ninja outfits I guess??) flipping around and disappearing and throwing things at each other. Most of the time, these ninjas would have authentic ninja names like "Mark," "Donald," or "Maurice." Anyway, he would take that footage and splice it into other pre-existing, already-crappy-enough films. The end product? A even crappier, even less coherent movie! This can be seen on display in the following video clip:

I really like this trailer because, for a movie relased in 1986, they gave it a classic 70's vibe with that boomy, echoing narration. And the movie is a laugh a minute riot. Horrible dubbing and dialog, NINJA headbands, breakdancer graffiti, it's got it all. I especially loved the line "I never trust anyone who'll double cross me." CLASSIC! Just remember, to keep from getting a headache, don't try to follow the "plot." Just watch in awe and amazement at the authentic ninjas and martial arts action! To avoid fainting, keep repeating "It's only a movie... It's only a movie..."

"Buddha bless you..."

Purchase Ninja Destroyer at amazon.com