What the FU..?!?!? The Lady Constables (1978)

Well, I'm back after taking a year off! New job, new baby, etc... I was still watching the Fu though! One of the flicks I watched was "The Lady Constables" (1978), and that's where this slice of WTF comes from! So without further ado...

Welcome to the second installment of "What the FU..?!?!?" WTF is it you ask? Well, it's a showcase of some crazy, whacked out scenes from various kung fu movies. You know, the kind that make you scratch your head and ask yourself "What the hell just happened?" Then of course you rewind, and watch a few more times before giving up hope of ever understanding. These are the type of scenes that I find most entertaining, and I hope you'll enjoy them too!

The Five Shining Pearls have been stolen! The escorts transporting the Pearls have been killed! "The Lady Constables" tells the story of Ti Yung Hing (Angela Mao), a sheriff, and Tang Lin (Judy Lee), niece to the chief escort, as they try to get to the bottom of the theft and murders. There's a male lead, Hung Yi (Wang Kuan-Hsiung), also involved in the investigation, who does not talk. Whenever he needs to speak, he pulls out miniature scrolls and unrolls them (to a great sound effect...) and they just so happen to have exactly what he wants to say already written on them! There's also one of the greatest scenes of mistaken identity/gender-bending ever put to film, as Tang Lin walks into an inn (in flowing pink robes and her hair all done up and girly) and everyone immediately mistakes her as a gentleman! There's just a ton of wackiness going on all throughout this movie. It's full of superhuman kung fu, crazy weapons, and a lot more weirdness! Check out the following scene from the final fight of the film, as Angela Mao does her impression of a Martial Arts Mary Poppins!

Super-Kung-Fu-Unrealistic-Expialidocious!

Buddha bless you...

Kung Fu Time Capsule: Marquees and Admat

Hey everybody!  We're taking a trip back to May 1982, so let's skip down to the Deuce and hit The Cine 42 for a Billy Chong double feature!  Showing first we have "Kung Fu Zombie," an over the top kung fu horror comedy flick that sees Billy taking on ghosts, ghouls, vampires, and more!  Second on the bill is "Kung Fu Executioner," which sees Billy taking revenge on a criminal and his clan who murdered his father and family.  Here's an admat for that double feature: 

Next up we'll jump to 1983.  The Empire was also showing a Billy Chong double feature as well.  This time it was "Fistful of Talons" paired up with "Kung Fu Zombie."  "Talons" is another great display of Chong's fighting prowess!  Here's a picture of the Empire marquee from that run in 1983:

Interesting to note for you grindhouse and cannibal flick fans, right next door at the Liberty they were showing "Make Them Die Slowly" (AKA Cannibal Ferox).  In this picture you can see the bottom of the Empire marquee peeking out.  Quite the advertising campaign, huh??

I wish I had the opportunity to see all these glorious martial arts masterpieces back in the day, at some dingy and dank theatre...  But I'm sure glad I can watch them at all, thanks to many being available on DVD.  It's probably safer seeing them from the comforts of my own home anyway!

"Kung Fu Zombie" Intro

"Buddha's name be praised..."

Trailer: Bruce and Shaolin Kung Fu 2 (1977)

Here's the trailer for "Bruce and Shaolin Kung Fu 2," a steamy pile of Brucespolitation starring Bruce Le.

It's China vs. Japan by way of South Korea, as Bruce Le learns Tae Kwon Do and takes on a crazy Japanese general, his head samurai, and their legion of goons. Below standard Brucespolitation here, it has basically what you'd expect... Bruce ripping off his shirt whenever possible, flicking his nose, bad wigs and glued on mustaches. But you know what I say, for better or worse, the worse the better! Check this one out and have a few laughs!

P.S. - Does that music sound familiar, or is it just me?

"Amita Fo..."

Merry Christmas! (pt. 2)

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

"What style of Kung Fu is this?"

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from Kung Fu Manchu and The Faces of Fu!

(And Shaw Brothers Studios!)

Buddha bless you...

Kung Fu Humor: Finger-Fu

Hey, remember me?

"Amitabha Buddha..."

Kung Fu Humor: Flubbed Dubs + Review: Ways of Kung Fu (1978)

Ah, if there's one aspect to old school kung fu flicks that really brings me back to the days of my youth, it's a nice ridiculous English dub. Don't get me wrong, I do very much enjoy watching a film in it's original audio, but a classic dubbing job really gives me that ol' Saturday Afternoon "Black Belt Theatre" vibe! If someone ever played a kung fu movie drinking game, say "Count the 'You bastard!'s", then with the right movie you could get wasted in the first 20 minutes! What we have next is what I like to call a "Flubbed Dub." In other words, one of those moments where you're really not sure of what you just heard, or one of those "Did he REALLY just say that?!" moments! Sometimes they make no sense whatsoever, other times the character is stating the complete obvious, but most of the time you're either laughing, scratching your head in confusion, or both!

This first installment of Flubbed Dubs comes from "Ways of Kung Fu" (1978).

"What on Earth did you put in those buttholes?! (bottles)"

This movie centers around Ta Kung (Chi Kuan-Chun), a hapless student who refuses to learn kung fu because he doesn't like it. When a corrupt monk enters the temple, and continually humiliates Ta Kung, the head monk sends him to stay with Shang King (Leung Kar-Yan) and his family of kung fu experts, knowing that Ta Kung will eventually learn. Even after arriving, Ta Kung is still hesitant to learn kung fu, so Shang King puts him to work... Well guess what buddy, by fetching that water, and splitting those logs, you're learning kung fu! Ta Kung eventually realizes this and becomes Shang King's student. After two years of training, he feels he's ready to go get revenge on the renegade monk. He returns to the temple to face off against the monk and is nearly defeated, but Shang King shows up and is killed, allowing Ta Kung enough time to escape. Ta Kung then meets up with an old drunken master and his student (Meng Fei) and hones his kung fu skills. Then together, they go after the evil monk and defeat him.

This movie is fairly lackluster. The story is nothing new (are they ever?), but does provide a few occasional moments of excitement. There's a couple good training segments, and a couple good fights. The highlight of the film is a training fight between Ta Kung and Shang King outside in the rain where Beardy dons an umbrella as a weapon. The final fight between the corrupt monk and Ta Kung/Meng Fei is pretty good, including nice use of an iron ring, but the ending is abrupt and kind of a let down. Also a couple side plots were introduced but never really elaborated on, specifically the drunken master (who never teaches Ta Kung drunken boxing!) and a police constable who has apparently been after the corrupt monk for quite a while. It's worth a view if you're a fan of the genre, but not worth going out of your way to see it.

RATING:
2 out of 5 Venoms

¹KUNG FU CLICHES: Classic dubbing, potty humor, freeze frame, bad skin.

Ways of Kung Fu trailer
"Buddha's name be praised..."

Kung Fu Humor: Subpar Subtitles

Time for another installment of Subpar Subtitles!

Sometimes the language barrier is harder to break than a stack of boards, and they say English is the hardest language of all to learn. Literal translations of cliches and sayings common to a particular language can be quite comical. Here's some screen caps of English subtitles taken from various kung fu and action films. Special thanks go out to Hong Kong Subtitles on Facebook and twitter. Enjoy!

It's like they're looking right through the screen at me!

This first date is going smoothly...

What a little pig, literally!

I think I saw something like that in Tijuana once...

Can you imagine his mother calling for him? "FUCK! FUCK! DINNER TIME, FUCK!"

40 - 50% of malliages end in dirorce.

Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Puke tonight!

"What, you're dead? You die easy!"

What the FU..?!?!? Matching Escort (1982)

Welcome to the first installment of "What the FU..?!?!?" WTF is it you ask? Well, it's a showcase of some crazy, whacked out scenes from various kung fu movies. You know, the kind that make you scratch your head and ask yourself "What the hell just happened?" Then of course you rewind, and watch a few more times before giving up hope of ever understanding. These are the type of scenes that I find most entertaining, and I hope you'll enjoy them too!

This clip comes from the movie "Matching Escort" (AKA Fury of the Silver Fox). Directed by and starring Pearl Cheung, and also starring Meng Fei, this flick is a real trip. Basically a revenge story, Pearl's parents are murdered, and she's taken under the wing of Silver Fox, who teaches her some strange type of LSD-laden psycho kung fu in his magical flower and smoke filled cave! She then sets out and learns her friend the Prince (Meng Fei) has been kidnapped. Pearl heads off to save him, and together they get their revenge! This movie's got crazy sets, costumes, action, and just an overall cool strangeness that must be seen! Well... this clip might give you an idea...

"Old Man.... Cow?? Peanut!!!" HUH?

Kung Fu Humor: Kung Fu Hillbilly

Yes, I'm still alive! Enjoy a scene from "Diemon Dave's Ninja School" training video.

"Don't go ninjain' nobody that don't need ninjain'..."